hold me.. but only.. for today.

Currently With Blasphemy So Heartfelt By Jessica Lea Mayfield see related

comfortable.

i'll be alone, and i'm okay with that.

because since i can't be with you, i'd rather be alone.

i'm trying but it's all that i can do..

i don't know what's going on anymore.
i don't know if i am where i should be..
it seems like the further i get from where i was.. the easier it is to keep slipping away..
i have no plan for my life.. every time something makes sense.. something else happens and it's a mess again..
i'm grateful for my friends but it seems as though i have to force myself to want to be around anyone anymore.
i don't want the negative things in my life to overshadow the amazing things.. but sometimes it's hard to remember the sunlight when there's never a break in the clouds.

i'm reaching but the rest is up to you..

whatever's in front of me i choose to sing hallelujah..

life.
i'm learning.
it's quite a process for me to say the least.
i pray for patience.. i'm taught patience.. i'm learning to be patient.
i pray for peace.. and i learn to be peaceful.. 
i've grown more than i can even explain over the past few months.
people are noticing it, which is good.
that i'm outwardly reflecting what i'm feeling inside..
it's quite an improvement.
i have the most amazing friends.
i honestly haven't felt this blessed in a long time.
i enjoy my job.
there are things that i don't like about it of course, but i'm thankful for it.. and i enjoy it for what it is.
i'm also learning how to resolve my problems.. not so much to confront them.. that word seems so so harsh..
i enjoy being single.. i do until i'm around people who make my singleness obvious to me.. but with the friends i have.. i enjoy it.
brittany, natalie, and clayton.. they've turned out to be what i need in my life right now.. sure i've been frustrated at times.. but i enjoy their company.. i love our conversations.. and when eric's around.. our exciting game nights.. cranium and uno attack have never been so fun.
i feel as though with children is where i'm called to be in the church..
i listened to a sermon by piper about youth ministry last night.. today i realized how much of it had really soaked into my mind.. and my heart.
i'm not content right now, but i don't think i could ask to be in a better place.. with better people.. experiencing better things.
i don't know that i'll ever be content.
i pray that i don't take any of this for granted..
i'm so grateful for my God and all He has done for me..
be blessed.

love much,
amanda.

i'm still in love with who i wish you were..

it's been a while.

i haven't been on xanga mostly because it confuses me greatly.

updates:
i am a barista at starbucks.
i am, once again, a full time student.
i feel as though i'm alone more now than i ever have been in my life but i think i'm okay with it.

i feel like i'm doing something with my life again..
i'm not sure if it's what i want to, or should be, doing but i'm trying for one of the only times in my life.

i don't talk to anyone really anymore and i hang out with fewer people than i actually speak to..

i don't really remember the last time i saw meredith.. but she has a baby now.. so i guess i don't remember the last time i saw her daughter halle either.
it's been a week since i've seen casey. maybe two weeks i don't really know.
i haven't spoken to jessica since the first of january.
i talk to joshua every now and then but haven't seen him since december. he could seriously be a figment of my imagination now.
i'm not sure that steph or lauren exist anymore.
i talk to a few other people randomly but it's quite possible that they're not really around anymore either.
three months into the year and everyone has pretty much deserted me.

oh well.

the format is no longer producing music.
this breaks my heart more than it should.
i'm happy with the music they've given us over the years but i guess it feels like i'm getting older and without more format music to look forward to.. maybe i just feel a little more lame and disconnected from the music world that once controlled a minor part of my life and a majority of my spending.

i'm still a history major.

i still have no idea where it's going to take me.

i found God again. i missed him.

it's weird. i found God and lost the rest of myself.

reviews:
the ranch [steakhouse] is much better than boulevard [steakhouse] in okc.
the skirvin is a nice hotel.
jesus for president help me understand the bible.
incredible revolution helped me understand christianity as a whole better.
dan in real life is a pretty decent movie.
mia from one tree hill, kate veogle or whatever her last name is produce a nice cd.
jack johnson puts me to sleep.
lipstick jungle, millionaire matchmaker, the real housewives of nyc, and one tree hill dominate my tv viewing. i love them all.
coco krispies is the best cereal ever.

i love you.

amanda.

ps. i had to tell someone.
i'm not over it.